Day one.

Okay, so this isn’t day one as in “starting on Monday” or other lies I tell myself on the weekend. It isn’t day one as in I already threw out all the bad things in my kitchen, almost and not entirely excluding the kitchen sink itself. While simultaneously signing up for any all available fitness regimes within a fifteen kilometer radius of my townhouse.

You know what I mean. We’ve all been there! It’s no sweat, literally. If I had to guess, I’d say I’d been in that toxic “day one” mentality upwards of a hundred times in my life. One hundred times in twenty-seven years! That’s Ludacris (and not the rapper) in so many ways. If I spent as much time focusing on my career as I did starting but not completing every diet under the sun, I’d probably be mortgage free.

Instead, I have a substantial mortgage, zero successful attempts at creating a healthy lifestyle, one divorce and a job I’m almost never fully committed to due to my obsessive personality.

No, this is day one as in day one on the road to exploring and enjoying the person I am today while evolving into the healthier person I hope to grow into with time. Sounds easy in theory, right? I would bet my britches (if I had any on) that it’s quite possibly the hardest thing the average woman can do.

Love yourself. Do I love myself? I think so… Maybe? I certainly seem to want other people to love me if the three dating apps installed on my iPhone are any indication.

Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself. After all, this is only day one. Ha. So, where were we? Ah, yes! My renewed quest for healthy living.

In the past I’ve always made the mistake of gearing my “healthy” perspective to that person on the cover of nearly every trash magazine beside the checkout line in the grocery store. The women they put next to the women who “got bigger” or “boy, she’s let herself go.” You know what I mean, the actress with the flawless figure, the singer with skin to die for. That’s what I always believed healthy was. That if I just starved myself long enough, shoved my body into the most expensive waist trainers money could buy and bought a bathroom full of skin care products, then I would be healthy and because I’d be “healthy” then I’d be happy.

Boy, have I ever been wrong.

I read a book recently; Healthy is the new Skinny by Katie H. Willcox that triggered a more soulful look into my struggle with health and wellness than I ever could have imagined possible. It felt empowering to know that women all over the globe had been experiencing what I had, and thinking what I thought.

I’ll stop now to say, if you haven’t read it, quit reading this post and start reading that. I wish someone had told me all of those things about self-care many years ago.

But anyways, back to my point, in the book Katie discusses how being healthy is about the combination of mind, body and spirit. That we spend so much time focusing on the body aspect that most of the time the mind and spirit are neglected. Without all three in line, we cannot possibly be a healthy person.

That is one thing I hope to keep in mind on this journey. That it is not a journey towards being “skinny” or “hot” or “getting my revenge body” but that it is a journey towards being at peace with my mind, body and spirit through self care.

That way, maybe when someone asks me if I love myself, I can honestly say, Yes! Without simultaneously wondering if they think my arms look fat in the jumpsuit I’m wearing.

I want to be more than the girl who appears happy on her social media account. I want to be more than the girl who Instagrams stories of the one off salad she made while binging on McDonalds behind closed doors.

I want to actually be happy. I want to actually be healthy. I want to actually love me, for me.

 

Anne Jolin 2017